Well, it's been about six weeks and instead of saving us all a lot of time, the paper has indeed run another Mike Jones letter. It's completely stupid-- so stupid that it's not even worth repeating here. But I will paraphrase it so you can have a general thrust of its ridiculousness:
Let's say you found a lot you'd like to build a house on, but there was already one on it. Because that's how those things work. You're just like "Hey, guys, I just bought this awesome lot I'm going to build a house on wait what the fuck there's already one ON it??" So you go to this lot and check out the house. That you just bought. Or something. So you might want to make some minor improvements to it because what the hell, it's your house, right? OR, if you hate the house, you can always just raze the whole fucking thing and build a new one.
Stay with me here-- I have an important point to make.
So NOW, after wasting your time with that house thing, let's just pretend that you found an ENTIRE LAND MASS. Just like you're out on a fucking boat and are like "Whoa-- is that a gigantic continent?!? Holy shit! How did no one ever see this before?!?" But then-- OF COURSE-- there's already a country on it. A COUNTRY. It's already on the land mass.
You see why I brought up that house thing before? The land mass is like the lot you just purchased, and the country is like the house! Because, you know, a house is a physical construct that people build with raw materials and remodel or expand or raze (depending on zoning rules and what the homeowner's association allows). And a country is.... well, not even close to that. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER because I have important things to say.
So anyhow, if you sort of like the country, you can remodel it. Like, it's your country, right? You found it and are all "I claim this in the name of Spain!" and so, Boom! It's yours. And you can begin to remodel. Because THAT IS WHAT YOU DO TO COUNTRIES. But if you HATE the country, you know what you can do? You can just destroy it.
That's right, I said destroy it. And not with some army or something. No, no. You somehow just decide to become the boss of the country-- it's YOURS after all!-- and you're like "Well, what sorts of things have been shown-- I mean SERIOUSLY PROVEN-- to destroy a country, and I'll just do those until it's destroyed. And then, I guess, I'll make a new one? I don't know how that even works, but BEAR WITH ME I AM MIKE JONES.
So what sort of shit would I do? Well, I hate taxes, so I assume that raising those would go and destroy it. And I know what you're thinking-- you're all "Hey, taxes have been way higher before and THAT didn't destroy the US! And there are countries in Europe with much higher tax rates than the US and they haven't been destroyed, so what do you mean?" And to that I say SHUT UP! I don't want to hear that shit from you.
Anyhow, what else? Oh, god. REGULATIONS. I'd add a bunch of those. Because if there's one thing I know helps a country, it's shitty air, unclean water, and people just eating sawdust and thinking it's a hamburger. Sam Seller, folks. It's all about Sam Seller. And did I mention taxes? OK. And obviously people that aren't like me ruin everything-- OBVIOUSLY-- so I'd make sure that we encourage brown people and non-evangelical Christians to, well, sodomize each other and steal high-paying jobs. Because that's what they do, right? RIGHT?
God, this is awesome. I am totally listing things that I'm sure would destroy a country. That I found on a land mass and didn't like. So I will build a new one. So what else? Did I list taxes and regulations? If I did, maybe I'll use some synonyms. So, uh, fees. And rules. Those are bad for a country. And also, we can't have healthy people. So I'd introduce universal health care. And stop with this "Oh, in Europe they spend way less on health care and have much healthier people in general" crap because I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT. Did I mention brown people? I think so. We all know that if you aren't from Western Europe and maybe Poland then you are going to ruin the country. So yeah, we need more of them for my plan to work.
Anyhow, that's about it. I have pretty much shown how to destroy a country. And HAHAHA! The joke is on you because what I am REALLY saying is that this stuff is that I think is happening now and it's all being caused by liberals and I hate liberals because I am pretty fucking sure they are destroying our country! Man, wow, I am the best writer ever. Who can out-think MIKE FUCKING JONES? Answer: nobody. BOOM.
And there it is. Mike fucking Jones. I'm not sure which is the bigger embarrassment: Mike Jones or the Oklahoman. Tough call.
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